SOS @ WEDDING DINNER

C Mintbean <c.mintbean@gmail.com> wrote:

8:23 PM (16 hours ago)

to S


Hello S,

I feel as if we haven't spoken in forever. How are you doing? How is Gossip Girl progressing? On second thought, I take that back, don't tell me what's happening with Gossip Girl :(:(:(

If you were wondering, I am currently in that soul-grinding Hell-hole otherwise known as a Bornean Chinese Wedding dinner. 

Not to go into too many details here, but thus far, dinner has involved the juggling of empty wine bottles (reasonably cool), a re-enactment of that Gangnam Style music video (OH GOD WHY!!), awkward pelvic thrusts from the hired dancers (super questionable) and foxtrot karaoke from the 60's ... ON A LOOP (slay me). 

... I'd love to go on, but as you know, my Blackberry is being an a-hole and refuses to authenticate my damn e-mail address, which means I can't send e-mails via the normal e-mail function. 

As such, loading Gmail on the browser of my dumb 2x1.5" screen means that each individual letter on here is roughly the size of a breadcrumb and I can't really see what I'm typing.

I hope I am making sense, because I feel like all this box wine has gone to my head. I mean, I'm pretty sure it has. Once you start questioning your own sobriety, I'm like 100% sure that means you're definitely NOT sober ... right?

....... I had to find a way to cope somehow.

Drunky-tonks,

C.

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S Mintbean <s.mintbean@gmail.com> wrote:

8:55 PM (16 hours ago)

to C

Ah, Tipsy C, it has been awhile!

I think Tipsy C is one of my favourite C's - along with Enabling C and Flood-S-with-cute-animal-videos C of course.

This wedding sounds superbly entertaining! (Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the current season of Gossip Girl *flings Sage off the Brooklyn bridge*). You seriously go to the best weddings - between Techno Santa Claus, Techno Chef and now gyrating karaoke-ing dance fiends you could probably write a a very detailed manual on what not (unless I am 1. in attendance and 2. I am not related to you by blood) to do at your wedding.

I, on the other hand, have be Click Frenzying - when I say I have been Click Frenzying I actually mean I have clicking the refresh button in a frenzied fashion. Turns out Australia's answer to Cyber Monday was a utter disappointment, much like a missed call from the President (I'd imagine this would be pretty upsetting) :( 

All frenzied-out,

S

PS: Get an iPhone.

PPS: Hows the food?

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C Mintbean <c.mintbean@gmail.com> wrote:

9:57 PM (15 hours ago)

to S

Hello S!!!

Tipsy C was in town like an hour ago. I am considerably drunker now. I would caps everything here as is Drunk C's way, but doing it on a Blackberry is far too time-consuming so you need to imagine all of this is being tapped out like my keypad is stuck on caps lock. 

Are you imagining it?

........................... good.

Oooooo .... you're right I should totally write a manual on what not to do for weddings!!! I mean, I've attended so many by now I'm pretty sure that means I am an expert. At least I think so..,.,.... No, I'm sure. I am definitely an expert.

God. Somebody should pay me to write about all my wedding-attending experiences - that would be like the world's awesomest and most pointless read ever. Then I'd be super famous with my own talk show and everything and people will know me as the Wedding Whisperer and then at the slightest whisper of my name people will go OMG, YOU MEAN THE QUEEN OF WEDDING PLANNING, SHE'S ALL MAGIC LIKE A UNICORN .... typing all that in caps really used up all my energy I really wish I could see what I am typing.

All this damn foxtrot karaoke is getting to me. I hate foxtrot music. 

That's going to be the first chapter in my manual: NO FOXTROT MUSIC!!!!!!! - with this many exclamation marks because it is imperative that people know this.

INSPIRED!!!

- C

PS. Clickfrenzy was a cruel example straight out of Murphy's Law. 

PPS. Food is pretty crap. :( 

Z6FPQJYNFJEZ

Subject: Greetings

Inbox

S mintbean	10:40 AM (22 hours ago)

Hey C,

Firstly, I apologise for being so damn MIA as of late. As you are probably aware, I lack basic personal admin skills... which has resulted in the untimely cancellation of my internet services for the next 10-20 working days (if you add weekends, this is approximately a month of no leisurely internet shopping *watch, unwatch, add to cart, remove from cart, omg buy one get 2 free, add quantity* - how will I survive? The answer to this is pending).

I have tried (and failed) to stay afloat and keep up to date with current events, but I missed out on the US Presidential Elections - though, judging by the number of "once you go black, you never go back" Facebook status updates, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that Obama doesn't have to spend the weekend packing up all awesome tidbits he's accumulated over the last four years. That or, my friends list is no longer PG13 I must begin to filter it immediately. 

As I sit here sipping on popcorn (seriously, best work snack EVER! 1. nommy 2. hands stay clean 3. keyboard not subject to insect infestation) put popcorn in a cup and take a couple of swings at it from time to time - I recommend Cobs: Lightly Salted, Slightly Sweet - 63 cals per 13g). I can't tell you what 13g is because I don't know, but 63 isn't a terrible bad number so I will log this into MyFitnessPal accordingly "Popcorn - one serve" - when we all know I'm half way through a 145g pack and the likelihood of calling it quits on this magical bag of goodness is ... well, zero.

Additionally, attached is a photo of how I feel today.

S-Poppin' 

TFRE381.tmp.jpg 36K   View   Download

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C Mintbean	10:52 AM (21 hours ago)

Dear S,

How on God's green earth are you SIPPING your popcorn? I've been sitting here for a good five minutes attempting to envision kernels being vacuumed through a straw. I even attempted to Google it, but images of buckets of popcorn with a puny straw stuck in is totally not helping. How does this happen? Do you skewer the popcorn? Or do you just swing bits of popped corn into your mouth like the world's most poorly-designed spoon?

I am officially intrigued, and as such, cannot focus on the other things in your e-mail.

I'm afraid I may need photographic evidence of some sort. Or at the very least, a drawing of how this is possible.


- C (for Confused)

P.S. I NEED A PET SEAL NOW, ON TOP OF A PICTURE OF SOMEONE SIPPIN' POPCORN.

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S mintbean	12:01 PM (20 hours ago)

Dear C,

Please excuse my nudity in the below portrayal of "sipping popcorn".

Kind Regards,

S

photo.JPG 134K   View   Download

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C Mintbean	8:38 AM (13 minutes ago)

Imagine my delight (at 8:35AM, no less) to finally know what sipping popcorn looks like!!

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

C

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C Mintbean	8:41 AM (10 minutes ago)

By the way - thanks for acknowledging the pink elephant in the room. I didn't want to make it awkward by pointing out you seem naked in that picture ... and right next to Barry the Plant, too ...

A little off tangent.

Hey C,

I don’t know if you remember a fleeting conversation we may have had an undetermined amount of time ago, that I could possibly have spoken about my dire need to purchase a pair of printed pants. 

I say this with such uncertainty because the amount of things that I have decided I must acquire in my lifetime is perhaps a little bit excessive (I suppose this is a good place to drop the hint to readers that we are convinced that one day, not far from now, we will be the proud owners of a herd of fainting goats).
  

Recently I splurged on a pair of these babies by Maurie & Eve. I’ve been coveting this print for awhile now because this colour scheme is genius. The white, the mint, navy, the geometric angles, the seemingly random brush strokes and some rose gold bling… Who are Maurie & Eve and what are they doing frolicking about in my happy place. 

Maurie & Eve Ruby Track Pant - Geo

Needless to say, one fateful night I was up way past my bedtime, eyes squinty from.. well, my overall lack of vision… and I obtained them (Paypal is devastatingly convenient), whether I would eventually wear them or not is irrelevant. 

However, I’m yet to wear them because:

1.     I don’t have appropriate undergarments (the buttock area is white)

2.     The weather as of late would have resulted in wet and stained hemlines (curse these wee trotters!)

3.     I don’t have appropriate undergarments. 

Now I kind of wish I bought the shirt... singlet... shorts? I actually kind of even wish they had bedsheets in this print.

Seriously though, what kind of delightful underwear do models wear with these clothes? Do they wear underwear at all? Is the word underwear inappropriate and incorrect? Should I be using the word panties instead? Thought provoking, I know. 

Should you (or anyone else) have the answers to this strenuous dilemma, do let me know so I can make full use of these gorgeous pants before the moths get to them *note to self: buy moth balls immediately*. 

 Hope all is well in your bite-sized fraction of the world!

- S.

All in.

Salutations C,

I call your stroopwafels and raise you a turbaconducken (turkey-bacon-duck-chicken, for those less heart attack prone).

Image courtesy of Bacon Today

I honestly think it could do with some cheese on top - why not add some calcium to your protein right?

Anyway, I hope you have emergency services on speed dial because I'm pretty certain after a couple of servings of this magical, somewhat supernatural feast, the left side of your body will go numb and you will most likely be clutching your heart, struggling for breath. I think this is formally known as a heart attack.

Speaking of emergency services, are you aware of what number to dial in case something does happen? Growing up oblivious to perils of real life, I've never actually (and hopefully never will) had to call for an ambulance. Notice how all this while I have been talking about emergency services, I have avoided typing an actual number? That is because I do not know what number to dial if something should *knocks on wood* happen.

It is ingrained in me (probably the result of too much television) that the number to dial when in an emergent situation is 911. However, I have recently learnt that this is not the case (I may or may not be secretly hoping that this is also news to you). It turns out that this number in Australia in fact 000 and in Malaysia it is 999 and in Brunei, well... it's not on the list (worrying).

You're welcome.

- S.