Underworld: a Simple Guide to Decoding Underpants

Navigating the world of fashion without showing the entire country what your underpants look like is about as much fun as getting punched in the face. 

Thankfully (or unfortunately, depending on where you stand), I load up on way too many fashion magazines and reruns of Trinny & Susannah, which has culminated in the solid delusion that when it comes to VPLs (Visible Panty Lines), I know my sh*t. 

Please find below for your perusal, a guide to choosing the right kinds of underwear to slip on under different sorts of bottoms … Also known as Underworld: a Simple Guide to Decoding Underpants for easy referral when you’re discussing the relevance of this article with all your friends.

SHAPEWEAR/CONTROL BRIEFS

Source: Shopbop

 PROS: The wunderkind of all underpants. Smoothes and controls unforgiving bumps under your clothes. Makes you look slimmer. No VPL. A million different cuts from pants to skirts to bodysuits to choose from.

 CONS: A million different cuts from pants to skirts to bodysuits to choose from. Also, I don’t know if it’s just me or the brand of shape-wear I’ve got, but WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BREATHE IN ONE OF THESE THINGS?!

 WEAR UNDER: Fitted garments e.g. bodycon-dresses, pencil skirts, etc. Sheer clothes. 

 HISTORICAL EQUIVALENT: 19^th century whalebone corsetry.

TANGAS/THONGS/G-STRINGS

Source: Shopstyle

 PROS: No VPL, no matter how hard you try to make one appear.

 CONS: Wedgies.

 WEAR UNDER: Basically anything.

 HISTORICAL EQUIVALENT: Loincloth.

HIPSTERS

Source: thisnext

  
 PROS: Rides low on the waist - nobody will see your underpants peeking over the waist of your bottoms. Available in most cuts from bikinis to boyshorts.

 CONS: People are more likely to see your butt-crack instead. Possible VPL, depending on the cut of your choice.

 WEAR UNDER: Any bottoms that have a low-rise waist.

 HISTORICAL EQUIVALENT: Low-waisted ghaghras  (except not really, 'cos ghaghras are legit garments in India ... I didn't want to leave this one blank ... I was doing so well ...)

BIKINI

  
 PROS: Really comfortable. Good coverage.

 CONS: Despite what lingerie companies will have you believe, these are the most likely to give you VPL, even if they claim not to.

 WEAR UNDER: Whatever you like, if you don’t care about VPL.

 HISTORICAL EQUIVALENT: French knickers.

BOYSHORTS/BOYLEGS

Source: theiconic.com.au

 PROS: Full-coverage. No VPL.

 CONS: Has been known to ride up most uncomfortably.

 WEAR UNDER: Anything you like – but especially if thongs give you the heebie-jeebies, and shape-wear is too constricting.

 HISTORICAL EQUIVALENT: Men’s underwear.

GRANNY PANTIES

Source: Holy Taco

  
 PROS: Comfortable. Celebrities are making them the trend du jour (see here & here). Man repellent. 

 CONS: Man repellent.

 WEAR UNDER: Anything.

 HISTORICAL EQUIVALENT: ... I don't feel comfortable saying it.

GOING COMMANDO: THE LAST RESORT

Source: thisnext

 PROS: No fuss, no muss. No VPL.

 CONS: May get arrested for indecent exposure if not enough care is taken to ensure skirt or dress hems stay down. 

 WEAR UNDER: Anything ... as long as you're wearing something.

 HISTORICAL EQUIVALENT: Birthday suits.








Lastly, some additional tips you may or may not find helpful to remember in your battle against VPL and VPG (Visible Panties in General):

• Wear undies that are close in shade to your skin-colour under sheer garments.
• Find undies that aren't too tight across the butt-cheek - this is usually what causes VPL to rear its ugly head.
• If you stumble across seamless underwear, buy that stuff up like the world is ending, because seamless underwear is GOLD.